areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
