Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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