i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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