she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
