Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
