got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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