she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
