I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
