what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
