someone get that fucking seahorse.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
