You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
