im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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