I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
