dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
