I wish I could punch you in the face.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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