lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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