Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
