i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
