We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
