In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
