Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
