you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
