I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
