I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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