Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
