tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
