dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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