OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
