I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
3pm strippers are depressing
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
