dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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