Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
