i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
