I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
