and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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