if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
we're so committed to being not committed
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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