I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
