hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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