Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
