i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
