Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
