3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
