I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
