I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
