He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think your dad took our porno
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
