there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I did not marry a roomba.
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