I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
