How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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