nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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