So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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