I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
